I’m terrified to be alone. I need distractions from myself. From all the judging and poking fun, all the conceit and the doubt.
When I listen to myself, I’m a hamster on a wheel. I can’t sleep or eat or function. I just scurry for my tail.
When I go out in the snow, my rasping breath the only sound. Silence never felt so full, loneliness not so profound.
And I would stay out there for hours and never see another soul. And I will feel no need to cower. And for a moment, I’l be whole.
My throat closes up in crowds. The air gets thin, my mind gets slow. Bathing in a sea of eyes. Floating on their ebbs and swells.
But I have never been too good at treading water, treading wine. So I will drown in your attention and get to drunk to give you mine.
My lungs are beating at my ribs. The wind is pulling at my tears.
I can taste my heart upon my lips. I’m more at peace than I have been these past few years.
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